I Drink Your Blood (1970)

Running Time: 1hr 23 min

Release Date: December 1970

Directed/Written by: David E. Durston

Review by: Stacey

Don't be fooled, there's no drinking of blood in this one.  Hell, the poster (as seen above) wasn't even originally meant for this movie, and the character is never seen at any point, unless I blacked out during that time.  David Durston's trashy exploitation flick I Drink Your Blood (originally titled Phobia) is equal parts awful and hilariously entertaining; I was contemplating taking a nap during my viewing but found myself engrossed in the story, if that tells you anything.

Schlock Time with Fran Appleton: The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)

Running Time: 54 minutes

Release Date: May 2, 1961

Directed/Written by: Coleman Francis

Review by: Fran Appleton, Dominatrix of Schlock

 “Aaah!” “Aaaahh!” “AAAAAHHHHHH!”

   

  These are the only lines you’ll get from the great TOR JOHNSON in this inane movie meltdown.  And if you, like me, adore that big barrel of Swedish man-monster, you’re gonna be mightily disappointed in director Coleman Francis’s waste of a perfectly good Tor.  The best thing about this dud is the mercifully short running time. And maybe ¼ of that bare hour contains actual screen time with the Torminator.  Bummer, huh?    Exploding with inconsistencies, ridiculous edits, and a bizarre narrator straight out of every high school Driver’s Ed movie you’ve ever seen, “THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS” promises to deliver a veritable nuclear blast of  bad- movie goodness.  Cold War Commies; mutilating radiation; a vacationing family;  two  hot chicks; and  a deep-fried psycho Beast in the person of Ed Wood alumni Tor Johnson.  A fine start, right?  Here we go, Movie Slaves:

Satanic (2016)

Running Time: 1hr 25min
Release Date: July 1, 2016
Directed by: Jeffrey Hunt
Written by: Anthony Jaswinski

Review by: Stacey

Goddamit, you guys.  That poster is pure shit.  PURE. SHIT.  Who approved this?  Who allowed this to be released to the public and represent the film?  Unfortunately, the poster is the least of the worst when it comes to 2016's latest addition to the ever-growing pile of supernatural horror- Satanic.  The name alone suggests a lack of effort from anyone involved.  Even though it's already out on VOD, I have yet to hear anyone else talk about it (hell, even IMDB only has 2 user/5 critic reviews); am I one of the only other suckers that watched it?

Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

Running Time: 1hr 10 min

Release Date: November 15, 1966

Review by: Mistress Devastatia, Dominatrix of Schlock

Just when you think you’ve seen the worst movie in history, up pops Manos: The Hands of Fate. A masterpiece of laughable dialogue, incompetent camerawork,  and too many jerky edits and set mishaps to count, this gem makes Plan 9 look like an Oscar contender.  Manos has nearly every element cheesy horror devotees hold dear, plus some of the worst acting this side of Paris Hilton. Factor in a mysterious, pervy caretaker named Torgo (who’s either suffering from advanced Parkinson’s disease or a permanent boner that inhibits his mobility) and the result is Pure Crapfest Gold.